I think condoms have that nasty latex smell to remind you in the morning of how gross you are.
You cheat on me once, shame on me. You cheat on me with a white girl, it's fucking over
I love online classes. Spent the last part of my lecture taking apart a teabag and filling it with weed.
Note to self: never do anything I don't want to explain to a paramedic
i will replace your cream cheese. there's enough for breakfast. you are my friend. i had guests we wanted bagels so bad im sorry. i left you notes. i love you. you have enough for a bagel or two and i will get you more. you are so pretty.
I'm not taking advice from anyone I've seen passed out naked at noon on the hood of a strangers car. Meaning you.
There's times when I need to be plowed... and I'm ashamed to admit auto correct was able to predict that entire sentence.
just imagine me sitting naked on a toilet with a fully-clothed dude i havent seen in 2 years, trying to make normal conversation except that im covered in blood and he's helping wipe me down while i try not to pass out because blood makes me NERVOUS. And he's apologizing and i'm apologizing.
You grabbed my arm, said "I need you" in a very concerned voice and dragged me to the other room where you were blasting Evolution of Beyoncé.
i can do like, 15 pushups. 20 if i listen to dubstep.
I just took a plan B pill with my preworkout. That's the level I'm on today.
Are you serious?! She sent a pizza instead of showing up?!
She did indeed. Papa Johns. It helped because I was super hangry. That bitch is smart!
ugh, my whole family is going ape shit over my sister's pregnancy blog. I dont get it? Anyone can get knocked up! I had rebound sex with a new york ranger last night, now that is something to fucking blog about.
I realize that my conversation topics seem to only be about bees and my cross dressing fiance. Thank you for being my friend.
I wore my lizzie mcguire socks to the bar last night. Because that's how i get all the ladiez
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