I'm at a work party and I don't know how to drink socially. You know, like slow?
My drug dealer is spending the weekend in my studio apartment. I feel like I've crossed a line that should never be crossed.
Its 11am everyones wasted wearing sombreros and eating fresh produce..cesar chavez would be very proud
I cannot believe we're comparing my vagina to Mary Poppins and a black hole.
Yeah i knew he wasn't okay when he told me he was "seeing his vision"
It was the most graceful puke ever. I just thought she dropped something underneath the bar until she told me what happened.
you covered his dog in toothpaste. safe to say hes not gonna call you.
What do you mean how did you end up there? You told him he had a face you'd like to ride, that's a deal sealer in any language.
I can't wait to hear about your drunken cab ride to planned parenthood at 2pm
If we're single and alone together, the fuck angels shall sing upon our nude bodies.
This medicine is making me nuts. I just woke up and I thought I was in a glass case with Asians staring at me.
My fucking earlobe is bruised what the hell
I ditched my one night stand in the hotel lobby. How did he add me on Snapchat?
She forgot a bra so she just used seran wrap. The scary thing is, it worked.
Im going to seductively wisper "that butters my biscuit" in your ear
Randomize
