Sorry, can't come over. I have to spend time with my niece. Her Dad ignores her and I don't want her to have male attention issues like you.
Also I may have a condom stuck inside me, but I won`t know til I check the couch coushions.
he kept saying that we were in ian's fun time place and then continued to act like a dinosaur.
WAIT DID YOU MAIL ME A KITTEN
So high I started thinking my desktop picture of a cat was too erotic for the workplace.
You called me to pick you up from the bar at 9:00. When we drove over the speed bumps you put your hands in the air and pretended you were on a roller coaster.
I decided staying home, watching porn and masterbating was a much better choice than the gym. And I was right.
There's green glitter on my nipple rings. #mardigras2013
You know what's even more awkward then buying plan b from someone who is a member at the gym you work at... When they come in after that day and have that look of recognition
The picture on Facebook I was just tagged in, with the mask, that is the definition of Carmen, my drunk alter ego
Woke up pants less in the vacant apartment across the hall. It was unlocked because they were showing it to someone. When they walked in I woke up and said "this is a great place to live" and walked out
Stop letting me drink while doing my makeup. I think I used sharpie for eyeliner.
I didn't think you were that drunk until you were trying to rub your foot on my vag under the table at the thai place.
when your dumb AF ex “accidentally” venmos you $50 and texts you asking for it back..... —sorry I accidentally deleted your number and cashed out
I woke up in a bathtub full of green and blue Nickelodeon slime! wtf?!
Randomize
