I just watched a trucker jack off to a picture of Ellen DeGeneres at a truck stop in Nebraska.
the guy working at the drive-thru just asked me if i wanna bang after he gets off work tonight.
given your current drought situation, im genuinely curious to know what your answer was
i told him maybe and gave him my number. sad? probably. but even if the sex is bad maybe i'll get a free burger out of it
I think I sharted a yagerbomb.
just chased whiskey with a pickle. i definitely recommend it
imagine how many guys you'd have sex if you didn't recieve your monthly gift.
I gotta figure out which 7 tampons in the box contains the drugs
I thought he put a fake swan in my yard, but no, he put a real life swan in my yard
Officially conquered sex on my couch with my dad asleep in the next room
I like how you say "conquered" as if that was your sole mission in life
TSA literally pulled two bottles of whiskey out of my bag. Once he saw the leopard print socks and the mickey mouse tank, he put it back in my bag and said "Have a fun trip, man."
Someone stole a lamp last night.
I'm in the upstairs bathroom. I went to the bathroom after class and realized this is not a shit I want to have publicly. I ran home. We can go to lunch, just give me a min
Hey
Gfdhklhgfxzyuikl$
GODDAMNIT WHY AM I MISSING THIS
I went to a swingers party and came home with a boyfriend. I love my life.
Our livers are going to hate us.
It's okay, they're regenerative. God wanted this.
honestly, fuck you guys. i'm gonna get drunk by myself
Randomize
