so i texed my mom when i was trashed last night and said "i know its 3 am, just go to bed and i'll be back by the time we leave for the airport"
I had a dream that chipotle was out of burritos... Was more like a nightmare.. Gotta go make sure it wasn't real now
It's an acquired taste. Like keystone. Or caviar.
the cops didnt even wait to start drinking the confiscated alchohol from the party
She threw up a whole curly fry. A. WHOLE. CURLY. FRY.
Just spent 3 hours on the Mcdonalds website. I don't know what to do with myself now that college is over.
Ok lesson learned. Don't lick the spoon when making mushroom chocolates. The kitchen walls are melting.
She didn't need to know her brother was thrown out of a bar for getting head on the dance floor. You're a shit head.
My roommate said I banged on the wall and said, "this dude eats pussy like a champ."
Only you would have to block the fucking governor of Tennessee from reading your tweets
Simple math equation: Up till 5 a.m. drinking + up at 9 a.m. for nephews birthday party = puking in the pool
Gonna play a drinking game called drink til I feel my emotions. The things I do so I can be a therapist
I don't blame you. I made YouTube videos of me singing Rent songs then slept with a married couple. Fucking tequila.
Remember, I smoked so you wouldn't have to. I'm like the Jesus of Marijuana.
Soon to be ex is nowhere to be found. Her attorney/new BF just showed up. 30 minutes late looking hungover. Pretty sure I'm getting the kids AND the house!
Randomize
