I asked him if he wanted to go to my place, he said i could go but he was gonna stay
new low: my hungover self just mistook bacon grease for mashed potatoes. worst. mistake. ever.
And I was the only one who felt it was dangerous to set the tv and blender on the ledge of the hot tub
As long as you're not dating white guys again.
come over, blizzard of oz party. dress up.
I didn't think it was possible, but that girl next door is even louder when drunk.
He just showed me a video of his erect penis moving to the beet of the music when he was high, I think I'm in love.
whose parrot is this?
Never underestimate the power of loudly proclaiming you want to make out with someone
The one that slept in my truck and you peed in his face?
I wore grinch underwear to my well woman exam this morning and I feel like I adulted successfully today.
I brought an already opened bag of trail mix from home to snack on today. Some motherfucker ate all the m&ms out of it. I hate my roommates
He can move his dick. Like on its own. WHY DID I NOT GIVE BLOWJOBS BEFORE?!
I called to inform you I may or may not be getting laid tonight ...
My manager is trying to help me find a good career path, and I'm trying to find a professional way to tell him I just wanna smoke and fuck.
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