Get out of your relationship and into my pants.
closing bar tabs have helped me with simple math in college.
I told her that I thought she needed an oral mammogram. With me being pre-med she bought it.
I mean, once you help another girl drunker than you zip her jeans you can't help but be friends after that
When did our fuck buddy relationship, turn into me babysitting his dog?
That is true. Vodka is like a dog. Always loyal, warm, and there for you when you need it
At second job interview this week. Wearing pants to hide pole dancing bruises. This my life.
Careful, it's a slippery slope to discovering you're bisexual...trust me.
During your work shift I was either: a) stoned. b) high. c)stoned. or d) high.
Where'd you go last night?
Don't EVER let me photobomb a group of lesbians again. They made me their "straight mascot" and I ended up singing Donna summer tunes for beers at their apartment complex.
I've had more lap dances than hrs of sleep since Thursday, this is why you're planning all three of my bachelor parties
he offered me cocaine within 5 minutes of my arrival. yes of course i'm keeping him
I woke up with an eye patch on, someone else's sweatshirt on, and no pants on. I hope it was a good night.
I didn't have any choice but to cuddle you. Your hair was stuck on my nipple piercing.
What the fuck was I thinking eating an entire tub of potato salad on acid. My stomach today bro
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