nothing screams I HAVE A PROBLEM! like the case of miller lite sitting on top of my DUI papers in the passenger seat of my car. lol
Let's play a little game called "Chill the Fuck Out" - you're our first contestant
Santa Clause just drove by me on a fire truck. Epic night begins.
i'm glad we're now at the level of friendship where we can comfortably discuss the quality of our shit
I'm pregaming before our pregaming dinner...with peanut butter and beer. I think I need to re-evaluate my budget...
Just the budget?
Well, find something you can use as a snorkel and be aware of your surroundings.
Yes I hit her with my car. Yes I gave her a ride home. And yes she gave me her number. What's the problem?
Heard puking from next door. Looks like the third floor won't be any different than the second.
His morals are debatable, but his heart or perhaps his penis is in the right place.
His penis is crooked. Right place? Maybe he starts there, but then he slants.
I'm pretty sure "tag teaming" and "looking for stability" are not synonymous.
Not yet.
I kind of really want to call off the engagement but I kind of need his mom's mashed potatoes on thanksgiving so I'm between a rock & a hard place here
1) break up with him. 2) feel bad. 3) fuck some other guy. 4) feel better. Boom! Life plan. You're welcome.
he's drunk and referred to his shoes as foot condoms
I was taking a nap and she comes in wo/ pants, gets up on the bed and mounts my face while watching Weeds on Netflix. I'm okay with it, but at least let me wake up first.
Let me set the mood for you. Do you remember Britney Spears in her Hit Me Baby One More Time era? Well I just fucked this college girl I shit you not her name is Persephone and she looks exactly like Britney Spears back when she was hot. I might be in love.
Randomize
