are u sure the monkey wasnt drunk too
I swear to god he was trying to crawl under my door last night muttering "I'm Alex Mac! I'm Alex Mac!"
Too much gin, very little bucket
Best feeling in the world? holding your pee all day for a negative preggo test
They had some plan b on the table between the beer and the guacamole. Yeah, it's gonna be a fun party.
He told me to put on my big boy pants, then take them off and fuck her before he smacks me with a chair. His pep talks suck.
I HAVE A BLACK EYE FROM A DILDO!! IM GETTING MARRIED TOMORROW! THIS IS NOT A MISSUNDERSTANDING!
it's like if youve been living with the grinch for 15 yrs and then santa shows up with a big gift begging to fuck the christmas spirit back into you. no one can say no to santa.
Yeah, I've been trying to get him to eat healthier. Turns out he'll eat almost any fruit or vegetable as long I let him eat it off my body.
On my way home from the dentist. Was going to call and see if you would like to wake and bake, then remembered my sister is an adult
Just used the handle end of a spatula to get the baggie of coke wedged between my passenger seat. Innovation points?
he never texted me back from last night. i think brining out the suction cup dildo was a mistake
I don't think it's ever a good night if I'm this hung over and I didn't even get an orgasm out of the deal...
I'm not sure if 14 year old me would be disappointed or proud that I fucked him behind her middle school??
She asked what the dent on the hood of my car was from..i think she knows we had sex up there
Randomize
