Tell him to shut up cuz i said so. I lost my dollar shoe :(
I bet when she looks at herself in the mirror she wishes brown paper bags were in fashion.
this party is like a fast-foward into the future when im 40 and married with children
something must definitely be wrong with me if i'm chasing after a guy who cant even get it up
Life is so much better after having sex.
This may be hard to believe, but that wasn't the first time I was fingered under a snuggie
It's not
This is the point in ur life where u should realize there's nothing left but a spiral of shame
I should but I don't. All I see is an escalator of success
I'm putting you on my Emergency card so i can spend the last ounce of strength in my hospital bed to flip you off.
was I really that bad?
you army crawled across the kitchen floor, turned the cat into "super kitty" and crawled into the dog cage
I think I fell in love with her when I saw her kick a freshman in the chest
this hospital has no fireball
The best part of Easter was watching all his colorblind cousins try to find the eggs.
He goes from zero to fucking up in 2.4 drinks. Like the sportscar of bad decision making.
I like to send nudes ok? If that's my biggest flaw I think I'm ok
Okay, this next statement may sound like a red flag but I'm tellin you, shotgunning those two beers really helped me love my child more effectively. Honest.
Randomize
