i woke up with a shirt on. the kids in my daycare group had a lot of questions when i took off my shirt at the pool to reveal "property of brittany" written on my chest and an arrow pointing to my dick.
It was my first time buying condoms at the liquor store... I was nervous and there were quite a few people, so I tried to do it as quickly and quietly as possible. When I got to the Indian cashier, he took one look at them and said loudly, "Ohhh you gonna get it on tonight, ah?!"
Silently passing ghastly beer farts as I move around the bridal department at Tiffany's. Call it my contribution to the holiday spirit.
I made out with all three roommates...I didnt realize that was actually an awkward situation.
Apparently you need a permit for a flamethrower.
The guy you fucked with the lazy eye is here, im avoiding contact by texting you. But i just looked up and he recognizes me, theres no way he doesnt. I'd remember the girl who called me quasimodo all night too. Sober me feels so bad.
no. i discovered the *exact* amount of drugs i need to do to understand calculus.
Also, in the middle of me riding him, he said "I want you to dance on my dick" like I was supposed to know what that means
There are Vine videos that have lasted longer than he did
Our music was glorious. Maidens were deflowered to the sound of my voice.
I'm ordering dildos in a santa hat. You?
Opened my notebook to coke all over the pages. So, if that's any indication on how this weekend went.
He isn't understanding any of my Fetty Wap references. He may not be a keeper after all.
Told a guy at the bar I was hurricane evacuees with no place to stay. Just woke up at his place. God bless Florence
Apparently the girl he banged in the bathroom yelled at him for hitting on me all night. But whatever, he was holding her hand for most of it
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