Phrase i just heard while watching the U.S. open: "Boy they have really trimmed it well, this has got to be the tightest hole in the Open."
I think we should start referring to bisexuals as "strays"
in hindsight, drinking 2 bottles of wine probably wasnt going to put me in an optimal position for a job interview
She calls her new ritual "bed, bath, and beyond crunk". Hence why I found her passed out in my bath tub this morning.
Woke up this morning with a note saying "great sex, see you never". Why can't I meet more women like her?
saying that you may be able to suck the gay out of me was just my way of getting a blowjob...thank you for the valiant effort.
Just blew my age on the breathalyzer. I also have 8 stitches in my head. So worth a .22 though. All time record.
holy fuck that shirt looks so good on him, it was like he was born with it on. that shirt deserves a blow
When I took off my jeans he became more excited about my Elmo underwear than sex but to be fair, who can blame him. They're awesome undies.
You're wonderful. How are you always such a good friend?
50% genetics, 50% driven by a desire for people to drunkenly eat donuts at my funeral and then have fantastic cry-sex afterward.
And he came by and picked me up. We cuddled in his car then had sex until... an officer doing his rounds put a spotlight on crazy haired, naked me straddling him.
Like he was inside me when I made eye contact with a police man.
I heard drunk is the new sober. I heard me say that. To a cop. Can you come get me??
WHY IS THERE A FUCKING DILDO IN PLACE OF MY GEAR SHIFTER IN MY CAR?
I promised to leave my panties on but I didn't promise to not have sex
I'm, like, this 🤏🏼 close to buying crocs
And you're also 🤏🏼 to never putting your dick inside me again
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