I just called a phone sex line and you know what I did? I sat there and cried
After me and my boyfriend broke up I had to resist the temptation to send a mass text to my booty calls saying "thank you for your patience. it will be rewarded."
I like to keep a steady black out going for the holidays. I feel it makes me less cynical
Well that's the first time I've woken up with wet jorts
That's the last time I send a mass text invitation to smoke a blunt
I'm going as your incestuous sister. If thats not the perfect winglady I don't know what is.
They only searched every other person. But I sacrificed myself to get our vodka across the border
Our night has progressed to doing coke off a laundry machine through a parking ticket
Please don't buy a buttplug. It won't fill the empty space in your heart.
Bought a gym bag tonight. Used it to bring my Taco Bell in the house.
We should try to put a bagel on your penis
we need to tell them stories about when happens when we're sober so they think they know what they're in for when they're actually completely unprepared for whn happens when we get drunk
Just keep your throat open and beer will always find its way in.
dude it's 9am and i'm still drunk it's too early for sexting
You're not who I thought you were. You've changed.
I would fuck him just for his dog
Randomize
