So. Did i wake up at 430, try to drive home, stop to throw up at a shell, and try to clean out my car and drop my keys in a full dumpster? Yes.
I'm almost 25, which means I can ride with girls that have permits
I've been at work for less than an hour and have pooped twice already. That's what happens when you start sleeping with your roommate and don't want to use the bathroom at home anymore.
there r dinosaurs outside my house i hear them
pretty sure those are just snow plows....go back to bed
I just noticed that when I sneeze...my nipples get hard.
I woke up to three texts telling me to "go fuck myself," a panicked voicemail from my mom, and a girl thanking me... I'm not sure which I should take care of first
So as I left the Australian's hotel room, I said "Welcome to America. You're going to do just fine here."
I didn't pay for a single drink 'help me I'm poor' was my drink pickup line. it totally worked.
Omg no. We ate a raw pumpkin last nighr. We dipped it in BBQ sauce.
So did I or did I not flash an entire concert last night?
He started yelling "you tha man!" while I was reverse cowgirl
Well as if this year didn't suck enough already, I can now count 2015 as the year I got chlamydia
Listen, I bought the coke that got us those free drinks, okay? Show some respect.
A to Z: fucking your way through the alphabet
It'll be a kids book
Hey! Its not the first time I've been eaten out in a bridesmaids dress in a church by a groomsman!
Randomize
