Tell him to shut up cuz i said so. I lost my dollar shoe :(
I Bought a bracelet with bible characters and a charm broke. the virgin mary one. Do you think it's a sign?
Put your dick on his face to wake him up, dont worry its fine.
I saw the video from Saturday. So, how much did I drink for me to think I was a duck and strip my clothes?
Best. Handjob. Ever.
I'm guessing Kelly is over?
Nope. Home alone.
Protip: If you slur the word 'tipsy', you've progressed beyond tipsy.
she's throwing things again.. almost stabbed herself in the eye with a fork.
I just fucked my ex's ex's ex. Love quadrilateral complete
He wanted to feed hamburgers to the homeless... as a first date... who the fuck is this kid
The stripper just invited me to take shots with him out at his car after he gets off stage.. I mean why not? I've already seen everything he's got and it'll be easy to get him naked.
I hate being near you and not being able to do what I want. It's like a recovering alcoholic tending bar. I feel like Sam Malone. Except I can't bang the cute chick I work with.
Life Lesson #1 of 2013: double-fisting shower beers and shaving my bikini line should be reserved for two different showers.
Yes, yes I will fake crap in his house for you.
Pulled a muscle in my back masturbating. But still listed as probable.
I have photo proof.
Girl, don't care. What's my rule? If I don't remember it, it never happened.
Randomize
