The good thing about walking home in a dress on sunday morning is that people mistake my walk of shame as a walk to God.
she had a my little ponys comforter. i left when she went to the bathroom
I may or may not have melted a dent into the top of my minifridge with my hot glue gun, which I left on for the past couple hours unsupervised, while we were on our salvo/savers excursion. Welcome to Halloween in college.
Doctor said I have sports induced asthma.
Call me old fashioned, but around here we call that "out of shape."
Also pencil in smooth jazz and illegal activities. The usual.
Well at least he stopped keeping track of money by bottles of McCormick.
My cab driver just suggested I brush my teeth because he can smell "the party" on me.
I mean it's like...I'm sorry I slept with your boyfriend but is it my fault that he failed to mention you when I was giving him head in the Dave and Busters bathroom?
There is so much wrong with that sentence
Yeah there really shouldn't be a bar at D&B's...shit gets real
A dude I dated in high school just put a status about National Coming Out day. I checked his relationship status. He is dating a dude. Hello, Friday.
Technically, I traded a soft pretzel for sex last night...
I tried to prevent a bar fight. By convincing a guy whacked out on Molly to slap the ass of everyone who was arguing and shout "WOO" each time. I'm proud, surprised, and intrigued that it calmed everyone down so quickly...
I have never paid for drugs and I'm sure not going to start today especially on a holiday
I yelled at the cab driver to slow down because my unborn children live here, and pointed to my uterus. I think my message was lost in translation though because he immediately offered me his card...
That's MADAM THUNDERCUNT to you
My mother is currently smoking weed with a dying bee so his last moments aren't miserable. And she wonders why I rescued a grasshopper missing a leg.
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