i woke up with socks on this morning
so?
i didnt wear socks last night
thus making me awesome and them whores
Finally jerked of with a banana peel.
Wow. He pulled out his dick and I swear I heard a thud from it hitting the floor.
If I buy you $300 worth of popeyes, will that make up for me trashing the house?
...She was shooting whiskey using a turkey baster...i was horrified.
Yeah I had to push her down the hallway to the hotel room in a luggage carrier. The guy at the desk told me goodluck
I just want to let it be known that I almost put my phone in the fridge.
Currently cooking 3lbs of bacon in case the power goes out bc if even one slice of bacon goes to waste then sandy wins
He came over to use the microwave, said he needed to heat up some urine.
So on a scale from 1-10 how gross is it that I used mortuary makeup on my own face?
Omg last night I was giving shots out like I was the Willy Wonka of the alcohol world.
God, please protect all woman from micro-penises
Uber driver has left leg up on the dash and turn signal on for about a mile, there's Chipotle wrappers on the floor, but she's hot. 5 stars.
I just found a piece of dried shredded carrot on my bed
Randomize
