My dick has been asking about u. He said he didn't do anything wrong n I'm a dumbass
I accidentally asked my mom for a blowjob because 'mom' and 'molly' are next to each other in my address book.
he left me a 6 minute video of him peeling a clementine listening to justin bieber
She calls her new ritual "bed, bath, and beyond crunk". Hence why I found her passed out in my bath tub this morning.
i came home at 4 a.m. and made a dozen eggs and three lbs. of bacon. my mom woke up and the only thing she was pissed about was that i used the whole carton of eggs, but then she sat down and ate with me
I can't believe you broke a Paula dean wooden spoon over my ass
Well, I want to see you regardless of whether or not you will lick whipped cream off my body.
I want to buy her liposuction. And a spot on What Not To Wear. And a face transplant.
My therapist thinks I shld paint u something to show u my appreciation 4 ur friendship. 1) she must think I'm rite on the brink of no friends 2) this is real
You got called a pussy at a party with a slow cooker, you can't let that shit slide
I have vodka and a slip n slide so of you could come over that would be great
He called us the '3 Amigos' and told us if hos ex wife came we had to jump the porch railing and hide in the bushes.
I'm not over that dildo rifle story. I don't think I ever will be.
I got a message the other day that just said “great tits”
A gentleman AND a scholar
Whoever was the bastard/bitch/genius who duct taped my keys to my dick so I wouldn't lose them. I hate you.
Randomize
