Goddamnit I hate your level headedness
I pooped in a mop bucket.
WTF???
Their employee restroom was locked what kind of customer service is that
so now that im really awake i see that my underwear are completely ripped down the side, my shorts are on backwards, i have to go get plan b....i call last night an epic fail or success depending on how catholic i am feeling
Since she's grinding up on your thigh right now, I'm sending you this text hoping it makes your phone vibrate in her vagina
I think I ordered pizza when I got home. The email said the delivery time was noon today. So if that shit shows up I am the most amazing drunk on the planet.
Dude they even gave me free lube for being tested! Best. Hiv test. EVER.
Hi. I probably already told you this mid puke, but thanks again for babysitting me last night. How did I get in the car?
Who's nuvaring is under my pillow?
My hickies are dark enough that I can feel drivers judging me from across an intersection
Dude just pulled his dick out and started stroking it and making s sound like cocking a shotgun....wtf was in those e pills
I can now say I know getting hit in the face with a flying tortilla is not fun
he probably thinks i inited him over to have sex but really i just want to show him 90's music videos
He came on my favorite pants. He is dead to me.
I'm recovering from the blowjob...She's doing her taxes...
I like the new guy, he keeps beer in the fridge.
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