saw you had $9 in your checking acct, left $20 on your dresser so you won't be a whore this weekend
His stupid grin looks like he's mid-ejaculation
i had just passed the point of no return when my mom opened my door. I hid my dick and took the porn off the computer in time but i still had to explain my day at school to her WHILE i was jizzing in my pants.
Just did a shot to pluto being a planet again. I love science.
I have absolutely nothing sober to say to you.
how should i feel about a person who brings a box of eggo waffles on the plane as a carry on?
It's like getting ready for my vaginas own execution
I've decided I'm gonna attack people with the toilet plunger.
I barely remember the girls that I got pregnant, you think I'm gunna remember the ones that played handball
He got a slutty, ugly mother of a 7 year old, and I got a dog that only sleeps and shits on clean clothes. No one won in this break up.
It's sad that I'm more proud of my Twitter account then my resume
He said something last night about making crepes, but after getting pissed on in bed, I question everything.
he took my bra off with his teeth, THEN decided he just wanted to make out and cuddle. i don't know what the female version of blue balls is, but i've been living with it since 1 a.m.
My eye was non-stop itchy for like an hour... I thought burying my face in your ass caught up with me
So I have a horrible yeast infection right now and I learned that Scott is cheating on me and now he has a yeast infection in his mouth and in his stomach a pretty aggressive one too. I believe the doctors call it thrush. Text me in the morning tell me what you think.
Randomize
