i tried to light my apt on fire. reasons why drunks and women should not cook
Seriously though, we're going to drink and watch Survivor first one to puke gets voted off the island
I got so many pubes stuck in her braces that when she yanked her head, I cried out like that one girl you "accidentally" rear-ended last week. Bald spots are battle scars.
Just found my car keys in your throw-up.
Improvement. She went from pretending she was the soccer ball in the world cup games and it hurt when they kicked her to passed out on the floor.
Im drinking a large pickle jar full of Emergency, water and left over pickle juice and I dont care.
You were fucking on a porch at a party, not much privacy should be expected
Plus my stomach has been speaking through my ass all day sending notes saying "fuck you" and "this is from your liver" or "i will kill you."
Seriously. We gorilla glued our hands together. Eating pizza last night was impossible.
Welcome to stoned Saturday. Full of laser tag and beyonce and awesome
For once I am not in the mood. My vagina is good with life at the moment.
The apocalypse has arrived.
You let someone poor beer into my mouth off of a balcony. Best friend test failed.
Haahahahahahhaaa
I was stuffing my face while buying a brownie and coffee and some kid I fucked came up behind me and said. Someone's hungry.
We've been here for 9 days, so of course I am high at my in-laws' house.
All I heard was "sit on my face" "okay" and muffled screaming. I'm still disappointed.
Randomize
