Sundresses, hats, and big glasses. That is the greatest trick the devil ever taught women.
my mom just informed me my dog smells like cum
I just fucked 3 marines at the same time...how did you celebrate veterans day?
I sat in the mc D drive thru and refused to move till the chick gave me her number
In order of importance: Where am I? Where's my car? Where are my clothes? Who is this chick in the room?
Anne's couch, the bar, your car, Anne.
She apparently grabbed another girl and pulled her into the shower fully clothed. When the girl was like "you need to stop" she curled up into a ball and refused to leave.
Whoa, you know how to pick em.
Hey hey, in my defense we were just suppose to watch Disney movies from a blanket fort with beer and nachos. I was I suppose to know it would end in tears?
I'm going to crush up my last 7 Percocets into a fine powder and toss my popcorn in it.
I had sex on the roof of the dorm last night ... I feel like a combination of spiderman and van wilder
He follows more cats on Instagram then he does girls.. That's how you know your boyfriend is whipped.
We were all day drunk by 2pm. Now I know why they hate Americans
I called you daddy and let you stick things in my butt, I am a damn 11.
Now that you have a boyfriend, can I have my vibrator back?
I took the beard trimmer to my balls this morning.\nMuch blood. Much blood from my scrotum.
Were not even through the second month of the year and I potentially may have torpedoed a marriage...
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