I hate you, and I hope you have babies soon that you love very much. Then I will steal them and feed them to sharks, and you will be so heart broken that you never want to have any more kids and you'll just hide out in a dark room all day wondering how someone could feed another persons babies to sharks.
I haven't been able to trust a girl since spanks came out
Is it sanitary to roast marshmallows over a cigarette lighter?
Anyways, i'm off to play with a rubber dick and a ouija board with two other girls...
Nothing says I've got my life together like buying a jumbo bottle of 7$ wine in sweat pants on a monday night
Hurry there's a dancing lesbian. She's a jumper and has impeccable jazz hands.
I am assuming I was his dirty Mardi Gras mistake and I can live with that
My last google search was 'bulk asian wives' I don't know either
You probably don't remember. You were drunk and getting your tits drummed on like haitian bongos in a voodoo ritual.
I can't tell you details but at one point I had her pee strapped to my back in a ziploc
I just took what could be the most awkward shit in my life, which considering my definition of awkward and my experiences shitting, is pretty fucking awkward.
...
I was sitting there doing my business and the guy in the stall next to me banged on the stall and asked me how to spell picnic because he wasn't sure.
i forgot to brush my teeth before I went over so i went to the bathroom and started eating his toothpaste. we're still in the early stages of fuckdom
This friendship isnt goin to work if you dont respond to my drunk texts
its liver damage thursday
We won like $80 last night at the casino, so if we get the Plan B we still have enough to get your basic bitch latte from Dunkin. Calm down.
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