i feel like a thai whore the morning after the navy left.
he actually used the line "do you have a map, because i'm lost in your eyes" and i was to drunk to care
There is a semi-attractive guy at the door who's looking for you. Says he met you on Chatroulette. Start explaining NOW.
I found a horn on the street but it's okay I disinfected it with vodka
the bouncer watched the girl drop her ID, saw me pick it up and say OMG SHE LOOKS LIKE ME, and then let me use it to get into the bar
I'll send you the picture of you double fisting vodka bottles, grinding one guy and making out with another... Every girl wanted to be you.. You make me so proud!
I also was calling every child by their name "Birthcontrol" - straight people are fun
I'm eating those little wheels of cheese and watching storage wars, this is the opposite of sex.
So we just smoked a bowl, out of an antler, with this old dude, while standing at the bar. Dude just walked up and said we were in his spot, just began packing it and handing it around...
My pubic hair is shaved into the shape of mistletoe.
I hope that's a joke and if not I need a snap of it
I need to pull it together. I just cried my eyes out to Master Chef Junior.
In other news, just had to pluck an ingrown pub with the pliers from my multi tool while sitting on the toilet at work.
if i hadn't ended our catfight by hugging you one of us might be dead right now
You kept telling everyone that you were as sober as a camel. I have yet to figure out what that means
Last night we proved the theory that "harder" is the worst rough sex safe-word ever.
Randomize