She asked the class if starwars was based on a true story...
This morning I proved to myself and all the kids on the playground that I can't puke and drive.
We have zombies coming, and all you can think about is cock.
My financial advisor filed my girlfriend's abortion under "investments" so my wife wouldn't find out
You know its going to be a good day when you have to brush your teeth out of a cup in your room using the vodka and water mixture in your fridge because you're locked out of your restroom
woke up in a random sweater in a random bed in a random house on a street I don't recognize..
also, I vaguely remember swapping shirts with some random guy on the dance floor.
You're an idiot. I have LIVED as a cautionary tale of what happens when you drink too much and stick your dick in crazy, HAVE YOU LEARNED NOTHING?
I STILL HAVE A HARD TIME DECIDING WHAT TO WEAR IN THE MORNING HOW WOULD IT BE POSSIBLE FOR ME TO PICK A PAIR OF PANTS AND GO OH ILL JUST WEAR THESE FOR THE REST OF MY LIFE
Let's have sex in an apple orchard
Never thought I'd say this, but getting head from a skeleton was better than I thought. Happy Halloween
I am one with the molecules
He sent me a picture of Reese's peanut butter cups next to his dick. Of course I went over.
He was doing dishes, naked. I dropped to my knees and gave him head. Teamwork level- pro..
See and now you're talking. I am like the fairy godmother of hook ups.
This is a friendly reminder to try not to shit on the toilet seat. If our 4 year old can manage it, I think you can too.
Randomize
