I just saw a San Diego firetruck. No wonder they can't figure out how to fight wildfires if they get so fucking lost they end up in Nebraska.
3 inches of snow, below zero windchill and i just saw a dude in a wrangler with no doors, shorts a beanie and burton snow goggles. God i love college in colorado
I just wanna not walk straight. Is that too much to ask for?
please don't text me until you can spell three letter words again.
Pretty sure that I got the MVP of wedding reception... woke up on the bench in the hallway of a hotel and we did NOT start the night there.
Just did a keg stand the dropped my phone in the toilet. Sorry for partying.
You did a keg stand on the toilet?!
Dick in my face. Dick in my face. Dick in my face. Dick in my face. Dick in my face. Dick in my face. Dick in my face. Dick in my face.
Two people confessed their love to me last night. Drunk is a good color on me
He asked her to marry him and she said yes. There is NO WAY she knows about his penchant for wearing lingerie.
But is that really the name you want to scream out during climax?
Made up a full house drinking game
On my way.
I love how four vibrators are within reach of me right now, but not a single hair brush or comb
Whoever decided to put a Denny's that close to the strip club is a genius.
Is it too much to ask for 10 minutes of privacy while I masturbate?
HE'S FUCKING 19 YEARS OLD, HE CAN'T EVEN GET INTO A BAR WITH ME, WHAT MAKES YOU THINK I'LL LET HIM IN MY PANTS?!
Randomize
