Reason #1 for no sex outdoors: Mosquito bites. Awkward, awkward mosquito bites.
I just got a high school volleyball teams practice cancelled because I slept with the head coach through their practice time.
They have an open bar at this baby shower. I was born to be Cuban.
Thank you as well. My penis is starting a slow-clap right now.
the point of no return was when you "drugged" his drink with glitter. face-planting on his dick was beyond.
Hung over does not do it justice. I am hung like a horse over. I am hungover and over and over. I am hung, drawn and quartered fucking over. They just told me I can't keep my sunglasses on in the office. Fuck drinking with you people.
At a party. It smells like teen pregnancy and sadness in here.
She makes me want to eat babies and throw kittens in pots of boiling water.
He's not actually Jewish. Turns out he just wears the yarmulke to cover his bald spot.
Just saw Santa sitting on a restaurant patio drinking beer and using his free hand to gesture to cars that he's watching them
A little, yeah. We were stealing firewood from the neighbors (drunk), and figured it would be 10 times harder to be angry with us if we got caught if we were naked, and 100% more hilarious.
I'm getting a collar when he gets back in to town! That's like the bdsm equivalent of getting his class ring!
That's how all the girlfriends are. Oh he's a boy, no worries, then BAM. I blow their boyfriend.
There's times when I just want to bottle my farts for later they're so insane.
You'll probably laugh but I am currently in bed in the fetal position wrapped in only my ninja turtles towel. Save me.
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