I can only be a whore so many days outta the week.
Samesies
Within 5 minutes of max walking in his pants were off and he was wearing my snow goggles as underwear.
Kid sitting next to me smells like he slept in a dutch oven full of farts. Going to die.
Reading my bank statement stoned makes me feel like an adult.
One day, tell me please to stop buying shots when I'm overwhelmed. I might have just broken a tooth
She seriously spent 30 minutes trying to make balloon animals out of my limp dick...
...
Exactly.
He was spooning with the dog when I came home. Now shes afriad to go near him. Should I ask?
Lets just make a point system, like if we have sex add a point, if they leave after take away a point, if they stay all fucking day take away a point
He stood me up and then his cat died. I feel like this is Gods way of saying he's on my side, even after the tequila fiasco.
doing squats while I brush my teeth.. gotta keep the booty in check
I hope a pyrotechnic goes off in your asshole and seals it shut for life.
Me too.
I turned off my domesticated goddess switch over 2 years ago and idk how to turn it back on. So in the mean time I'll dodge this gf bullet and eat free steak for as long as possible
So what if you don't want to be with your family. Go drink alone and watch Netflix like a normal person, don't be productive!
She was doing drunken zumba and screaming "FUCK YOU I HAVE MY OWN STYLE!" at the TV
yeah i ran into him at the bar at 11pm. he started talking about engineering and the next thing i know it's 4am and i'm naked on top of him.
Randomize
