I got otter pops to cool the beers, it's an all around better idea.
you should buy a sheep. A) you get an awesome pet. B) free coat
That's the last time I fill my pockets with sushi.
You are two creepy Justin Bieber quotes away from me not talking to you for the rest of the day
If I had a pelvic thrust emoticon, I would use it
All I know is for some reason I was sitting naked in the hallway playing an invisible ukulele singing somewhere over the rainbow. I wonder why security came.
You were mounting an escalator last night, shouting "I have no health insurance" at people
I'm having a self conscious moment and I need your complete honest opinion of my boobs.
You started laughing mid-cry and when I asked you said, "my tears taste like vodka."
Dude he's your dog he doesn't love me more than you. I'm just like that cool uncle that takes him to burger king and to see girls.
Think I just subconsciously wanted a cigarette and started sleep walking to Carl's.. Didn't realize what I was doing until I found myself in an elevator.
God he's so convenient, drugs, an parties all in one person. He's like the Walmart of delinquency.
i just woke with half a bagel saran wrapped to my phone and a cookie in an envelope beside my head...
MY LIFE IS A TRAINWRECK THATS ON FIRE BUT SOMEHOW STILL MOVING, I HAVE THE RIGHT TO SCREAM OUTSIDE AT 2AM
You planned on giving him head in the shower?
More like I just fell and it seemed like a good idea when I was down there
Stop trying to get me to choose vodka over a nap
Randomize
