Just had to reach into my sister's bag and shut off her vibrator so my parents wouldn't hear it. I am the world's greatest brother.
a guy in a toll booth on I-90 told me to fuck off for not being a red sox fan. i am going to miss massachusetts very much.
Life lesson: using the oven as a heater= $500 electric bill
I skipped class, don't know why though bc all I did in the meantime was cook pancakes and watch infomercials..my life sucks
i'm in workout clothes. this is progress.
I swear it's like I have a jerk off quota I have to meet each week. If I miss three days I have a wet dream and it's like a wasted jizz, and it gets everywhereeeeeee.
I just spewed blue gatorade in the shower. It looked like the ocean.
Sometimes he has weird facial hair...Basically he has a penis... that's what he's got going for him.
Just woke up from a dream where you lived in a gingerbread house on a snowy cliff by the sea. The dolphins were swimming away from a giant dust storm. You REALLY ought to smoke this before bed tonight.
accidentally stumbled into a construction site at 3am on the way home. The bulldozer was locked so we had to settle for rerouting traffic with all the orange cones...
It wasnt until i started dancing that i realized i pissed myself dude. I dont think shes gonna call me back.
totally just stole a 24 pack straight out of the miller truck
Well yeah. But im not sure i trust the black out drunk high girl giving life advice
I continue to impress myself. Also I'm probably pregnant
When do you think the murder is going to happen in this Lifetime movie of ours?
Randomize
