and the officer said have you been drinking
and i said NOO SIR.
and he said, I am a woman.
why doesnt he love me? i have tried everything. i even sang to him after sex.
you have got to be kidding?
...i had to draw her a diagram of her own vagina. including a little arrow to the clitoris. shouldn't it be the other way around?!?
I am so getting Plan B when we get home. Not getting knocked up by a dude with a hair piece.
I woke up with dick mouth, a raw vagina, an empty bottle of vodka and the best man next to me. I also found my thong by the pool. Best.Wedding.Ever.
as soon as his mom opened the door to let me in the house she asked if i would like a shot
it's gonna be a great weekend
Wheres my "thanks for using birth control effectively and not contributing to the downfall of society" card.
After Thursday my breakup "don't screw anybody out of respect" month will be over and I will be set loose. My pussy is purring with anticipation.
I think mom knows I'm drunk I put a full blown balloon in the fridge.
Exactly. Some of us want to get married. And some of us want to wear sombreros and do cocaine. To each their own.
He's gonna do me a solid for doing her a solid. It's like pay it foward. But with sex.
Next time I will hook the Xbox before I get high I spent 30minuts thinking I was playing the Simpsons game when it was in reality a tv episode
When the stripper from this weekend is your cashier at Publix the next day 😐💀#pensacolaproblems
Her name was Danica but I felt like it would be hard to say drunk so I called her Shelby
Everytime after he came, he'd laugh uncontrolably for ten mintutes. He was sober..
Randomize
