Moved my bed either I'm a whore or every guy I have ever slept with hid condom wrappers under my bed
i think i just heard my dad finish in the other room...
I just want you to know how happy I am that you are circumcised.
How do I enter a double puke and rally into my calorie counter?
My life is a joke. Told everyone last night that they could call me Mrs. McCormick because I'm gonna end up alone with a handle of peach vodka anyways.
Hey, I took a sweater from your house. And, um, your little brother's virginity.
I had to help him get his zipper down in front of his dad so he could pee in the bushes. That Is what moonshine does to you.
I'm pretty sure I just gave myself third degree burns from punching my pizza.
Hi I haven't talked to you since you bought legal marijuana-are you still stoned?
So hungover and decided to eat a burrito and a pot brownie for dinner, this is what adulthood looks like.
You can't break up with me. I brought you to see Beyoncé.
I'm experimenting with sincerity
They say find what you're good at... Evidently that's showing up late for everything, drinking, and eating cheese for me.
Let it be known that on this day, the 26th of October, in the year 2016, I successfully put both of his balls in my mouth at once.
Nothing ruins your day more than waking up to you dogs crotch in your face
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