Just remembered throwing your phone at your face in a half-drunk stupor the other morning when your alarm went off. Thought I should apologize.
Just shaved my legs with toilet water in a walgreens bathroom. I am so classy.
i walked into the party and i guess everyone knew because they began to chant "ass to mouth"
we were like drunken butterflies among sober caterpillars,
I'm telling people I'm celibate. It sounds cooler when it's by choice.
just heard a tri-delta girl talking about her drunken escapades last weekend...it's like the exact plotline to a hardcore porno.
I just dropped my cookie in my glass of milk and looked at it for ten minutes. Thanks for telling me you made weed cookies.
Some guy walked in while I was taking a piss and asked me if I knew of a back way out of the bar. He looked pretty freaked out.
Went to the doctor's today. The lady took one look at my throat and said "oh god"
Too much penis in there.
if i can hear my landlord's phone ring you think be can hear my vibrator?
Also... I'm unsure what to do with my face while someone is choking me during sex. Like I feel like its hard to look flattering.
I bought a box of wine on my way home. I figured if I’m going to be broke during the holidays, I might as well be able to drink about it.
Perfect. I'll put on my party clothes and write emergency numbers on my arm
All I remember is talking the cops into calling us a cab instead of giving us PIs while trying to wake up your passed-out-on-a-bench ass.
Is there a way to use porn to inspire him to have dirty thoughts? Like the movie Inception except with more lube and orgams?
Randomize
