she said your name and I thought she was asking me to motorboat her. Best. Miscommunication.Ever.
On your way out, lock the front door. And by lock the front door, I mean find the door handle, reattach it, and then lock it.
It was like good, clean fun, but with bodyshots.
I bought a dress specifically for face plant durability... this is how serious I am about my drunk status this weekend
Lesbian sex in an alleyway drunk.
Just in case you were wondering I sent you a text at 4:37 in the morning because I woke up on the side of the highway at that time
Think I pulled my pelvic muscle.
I think I pulled my ashamed of myself muscle.
Downside to Halloween: you can't tell if the guy dressed as Gene Simmons from KISS that keeps flirting with you is hot or not...I decided to err on the side of caution and assume not...
I was carrying around a bottle of Jameson yelling rescue me
I have poison ivy on my dick
WHAT
Very unfortunate to find out the kid who took your virginity has never seen Star Wars🙃
You called your ex, and talked to her for an hour about how you miss her, came back inside and asked the girl with the biggest tits if you could take a pic with your face in them and sent her the picture.
...I just added shower water to my vodka on ice\n#sendhelp
Currently eating a pop tart in my underwear waiting for the washer. Not one of my prouder moments.
Man the amount of drugs being done at a wedding with a bunch of surgeons was disturbing
Randomize
