Lesson learned: don't hide your vodka in your little brothers toy box.
Picking up third year law school girls is like MILF hunting for beginners
I'm drinking reisling in a paper cup by myself in the garage.
Even though he is humpbacked he is really good in bed.
Could someone please kill snooki before she contributes to the gene pool.
so yeah i told her you were going to become a doctor and the first thing she said was "i still don't want to fuck him". i tried.
Okay, good. And if you have one of those portable strip poles that would be nice too.
the water pistols in the freezer are full of voddka.
some girl at the bar told me my beard would tickle every inch of her body till she joy puked her face off.... that was so random and odd i just had to buy her a drink for having the guts to say it to me. WTF
We had him convinced Visine is flammable. He was genuinely freaked out that everyone would know when he was stoned.
he said he was going to fuck me like a rabbit in heat. What he should have said was faster then a train and over before a commercial
the puppy had a little leather gag and was using a ball gag as a fetch toy
Why is there cereal literally EVERYWHERE?
It didn't follow directions.
Where is the baby squirrel I found last night?! I've looked all morning I can't find Morris anywhere did someone take him?? ðŸ˜ðŸ˜
Honey, I kept trying to tell you it was just a pine cone.
I think there is cocaine on my toothbrush.
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