Me too ba-by. I wanna bite your ear lobes they are so fat.
Totally saw a hot amputee. I think this is called character growth.
sometimes in life you just needs hand puppets
you mean i was at the winter classic?
Is it wierd that you're going to be my best man and you've fucked my wife?
My Pizza Lunchables won't fit in the fridge because of all your alcohol. One of our addictions has to give.
My "Week Of Not Checking Into OK Cupid So I Don't Hook Up With Another Fat Chick" lasted four hours. On the plus side, she was the smallest one yet.
i just feel like the statute of limitations for admitting i plowed through her car last night was up a couple hours ago
Just finished my quantum homework in ladies room writing with eyeliner. I am the party/physics champion.
I walked from the hotel to the club with a pint of tequila in my boot. Poured some in a homeless woman's mouth when she asked for change. I've hit rock bottom.
Watching the dude who probably knocked me up be all cute with his girlfriend on my couch. I am too nice, and I hate today.
The Easter dress struggle is real
Yep. Just had to pull mine off to puke.
She had an asthma attack and had to stop but insisted on getting me off. It's official she's the one
If he sends me a dick pic so help me god.
Do you not realize that being Batman fulfills about 95% of my non-sexual fantasies?
Randomize
