She invited me to an Eagles game, I mean that is almost better then if she told me she could only function with large amounts of semen in her system at all times.
I tried to go shot for shot with some guy called "shit show martinez"
I am stoned and watching Pocahontas. I am letting the kids eat whatever they want. I am the best babysitter in the whole wide world
dinner with the girl I motorboated last semester wasn't as awkward as I thought it would be
Apparently I gave him a 'Steve jobs blowjob'
Question: would asking the hot guy from the grocery store to "beer me" his number be a poor decision?
I threw up sweet potatoes. Worst thing to throw up ever. They came back mashed.
the parade is in 5 days. put your big boy pants on and come to beer training. time to build your tolerance. i can't have you passing out in a bush with a cape on again this year.
Ok I have to ask, whose idea was it to used crushed up norcos as margarita salt? And what did they say to convince everybody else to think it was a good idea?
We ended up debating which Food Network host would do best in porn.
So last night I kicked a beer can off of a frat guys head and it nailed one of my sisters in the face. Think i'll be brought up on standards?
Dick sucking on arrival? or would you like to cash that in later?
I think I may be going on too many job interviews. I've started to bring up Shonda Rhimes in my interview answers.
Im legit just salty with everyone who has a penis right now
Grandma had me open the boxes that were delivered today. She got a sex swing, I've settled on "You go girl" as my official reaction.
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