Oh my god he is having a sentimental moment right now.
He just sent me like a really heartfelt confession of love in which he ended with "make the apt, I'll hold your hand while you get your clit pierced."
Really? You have stories that rival having a threesome with the two best friends of the guy your kinda seeing? Thats impressive.
in retrospect, sexting while high was a mistake - I meant to say "I'll fuck you stupid, baby" but of course I said "I'll fuck your stupid baby"
After you puked you called ur mom and told her you fucked on her bed, then u said "Have a good night mommy!" hung up and passed out on my couch
that would explain 17missed calls and 3 very angry voicemails from her
I should probably file for unemployment. Sometime between last night and 4 AM I facebooked my manager the lyrics to hoe by ludacris. I'm just projecting ahead here.
you referred to yourself as the crossing guard because of your neon shirt and began directing bar traffic
i'm too drunk to leave my room. poked my head out like a turtle and everyone knew i wasn't sober. i like it better in my nonjudgmental turtle shell anyway.
Jameson and I invented street rugby last night. Yeah
That's how all the girlfriends are. Oh he's a boy, no worries, then BAM. I blow their boyfriend.
Someone explain why I'm twerking in my bathroom right now before a charity run
he had hair everywhere except his balls
He was imitating a sprinkler when he started puking. Hence- vomit sprinkler. Some people just can't handle their tequila
These snow days are takeing a toll on my liver
I love you more than sex with randoms.... and we all know how much I love that shit.
My bald co-worker just chugged a literal gallon of coffee. My condolences to his kidneys.
Randomize
