my voice of reason is faarrr too drunk for me to listen.
We pinky-swore to never fuck each other again.
he's like a stage 5 clinger and he won't even fuck me. he has to be gay. my personality isn't really THAT great.
I went to the gas station and the lady goes I remember you. Broken sunglasses and puke on your car.
The stripper had a daughter my age and offered to introduce us. I didn't know what to say to that.
We JUST got rid of the new years fatties at my gym and now the spring break fatties are here. goddamn.
Get dressed, I have 50$ and you need a new beer pong table since we threw yours off the 8th floor last night.
Yea, she's 42 I'm 23. Girls our age are terrible. All they need is a divorce and a bottle of wine
Omg just had weirdest best cab advice situation ever. I kissed the cabbies hand as I was leaving like he was the pope and cried
Not good... He ate my chips. Thats not a sex analogy for anything. My actual potato chips... gone. I lost on both ends.
No my first time having an orgasm with you will not be on face time
I'm just waiting for the avalanche of beef.
I heard drunk is the new sober. I heard me say that. To a cop. Can you come get me??
It was 16 hours of liver killing mistake making goodness
Pretty much just farted directly in a baby's mouth on the subway
Randomize
