ive had 594 apples! thats 99 apples 6 times! math!
I just bought Christian paraphenilia at Borders for my dad's bday. I had the urge to tell them it wasn't mine, like I was buying laxatives or a dildo
Hahahaha. You probably would have been more comfortable buying either of those than what you just bought
I just smoked a bowl while riding a horse. This has been a productive vacation.
The bouncer asked you what your sign was and u replied "syracuse"
I'm surrounded by too many unhungover people.
The trip involved octopus tentacles coming from the little holes in my TV's speakers. The beauty of the nonexistant symbolism had me in tears.
I'm not sure I can continue to condone our having sex in all of your friends' beds
Reasons I shouldn't drink... My twitter drafts keep getting more and more emotional.
And on the first day of my adult job, I matched with one of my co workers on tinder...
It's gotten to the point where waking up in my own apartment is a surprise
The laundromat is nothing like In the pornos
I told her we had to stay at the bar until at least midnight because that's when my direct deposit hit, don't tell me i'm not responsible
Uhm... Found a ziploc bag... In the freezer. Sam, thought it was lemonade. Why did you make frozen piss at my house, again?
If it makes you feel better he's in the stall next to me and I'm taking a diabolical shit. He's complaining
Been smoking since 4. The inevitable finally happened: I bought a cheesecake.
Randomize