I have got to lose weight!! Apparently no one wants to fuck a fat chick with herpes.
Apparently when you order 'bottomless fries' at red robin that doesnt mean you can go around to every table and eat all the fries you want off other peoples plates.
Michael Bay is the white Tyler Perry.
Can you explain to me why I woke up with my hands tied to the hotel bed with the phone cord???
My only regret is that I have but one penis to give to your vagina.
Toilet is so comfy. Serious question/why does weed make every surface feel like bed?
we are blowing up condoms and making balloons and we’re drunk on the floor. You could have come to school here
His balls looked like two miss shaped chicken nuggets
His lack of social graces and moral fiber complements mine nicely.
Nothing with ever convince me that she wasnt purposely left behind by our mother to ruin my life and fuck our family
Trying not to ruin Mother's Day with the enormous hickey on my neck. Nice.
I mean seriously there comes a time when you just need to take a crap in peace. Until he figures that out he can stay the hell outta my place.
Well, I got drunk and told my family about what I expected sexually after a good first date.
I dont understand why i cant be a wizard
I'm currently watching porn and playing beer pong with wine in the lobby of a hotel with a squadron of hot airforce guys. You can never say your life is better than mine again
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