my sisters under your porch take her home
it wasn't THAT bad but he definitely called his dick an asshole and said sorry to my vagina
I think I just tested my sobriety limits for unicycling.
Oh dude, thanks for giving me that liquor last night, except replace 'giving' with 'violently forcing'.
I'm imaging you naked, covered in butter. And I gotta say, I'm not impressed.
I found all these half eaten mandarin orange on the ground and the bruises on my neck are definetely not hickies
I just woke up to myself peeing the bed. Happy hump day! I'll never get married.
No other awkward car ride can beat the one you give your drug dealer home.
He showed up to a booty call with 2 tea bags, but no condom...
Well. We had sex and then watched 6 episodes of Dateline NBC together; only breaking the silence to make disapproving noises at shotty police work. So basically yea I'm gonna marry him.
His dog was laying on the bed and he said we could have sex as long as we didn't disturb his dog. My life is pathetic
The guy I hooked up with two weeks ago just friended me on Venmo, I honestly won't be mad if he pays me for the sex
Why am I sleeping on top of the fridge?
You were playing hide and seek with the dog. she couldn't find you and you passed out.
Don't do him, he's a Dolphins fan! A FUCKING DOLPHINS FAN!
i woke up on the couch at 5:24am, hangover, craving for some ribs, but i only had a bag of cheetos and a half empty beer. man what a breakfast.
Randomize
