Wish i knew that 10 minutes ago when i told him to dance with my blackberry while i got another drink
my math teacher staples burger king applications to failed tests
The last two calls in my phone are dominos and 911. I'm not sure how my night went.
False alarm I know hes alive because when i tried shaking him awake he pissed his pants and rolled over..
apparently we spent 30 minutes inside that big Nike store turning all of their Duke gear inside out. for some reason the employees didn't stop us.
I only feel half bad for cheating on him because while we were fucking I was given great relationship advice and now I'm ready to work some things out.
Think of it this way, instead of a puppy, we're getting a baby.
And now you understand the importance of Saturday naps.
Because you stay up all night having sex and eating sushi?
She left a blunt and poutine on my nightstand with a note saying "went to the gym. be ready for round three when I get back" I love Canadian chicks
If you don't turn up on horseback dressed like a highwayman I am not having sex with you today
there’s plenty of nice guys out there with good jobs and NO felonies!
He was playing minecraft so I took a shower with my vibrator
Lord give me the strength to not check my tinder messages at my grandmother's wake.
On the flip side, we did almost have sex wearing a gorilla mask and deer antlers.............
My mum just told me to stop being so pathetic and just find someone to have sex with, even if I don't like them, just be grateful for the sex. Wow.
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