You're gonna have to start calling my house phone from now on
How come?
Cuz 'Dad' looked pretty similar to the word Dane when i sent that picture message
You turned to me, asked if I was having fun yet, and then threw up onto my jeans. Thanks for the awesome first time partying experience
the way i see it, im about one adderall binge away from graduating
She's allergic to latex.
Lucky bastard.
Apparently i just threw up in the bathroom, i told them i just blew my nose. i don't think they believe me...
Dude you make losing your phone an art. You left it balancing on a two liter bottle in the kitchen. Wtf
You screamed at all of us and then showed us your sack. You're like the boyfriend of my dreams.
She looks like a Midwestern news anchor that got fired so she has done nothing but eat for the past 6 months.
I'm to the point where I'm fantasizing about Iron Chefs going down on me.
My night ended with a French cab driver offering me his sperm free of cost.
Naked chocolate chip pancake making. I just spilled mix all over the place. My boobs are covered in flour. This is not going well.
If you're going to do that you're going to need a pleather suit.
I need to wash the frat house off of me
It's Christmas. You could splurge on something a LITTLE fancier than wine in a box.
Like, my vagina is jet-lagged.
Randomize
