can "i'm close!" be our safe word(s)?
oh geez, wrong person.
I keep getting texted pictures of my husband with other men. I can't figure out if he wants a divorce or a threesome?
Just spent a extra 20 minutes on the phone with the lady from unemployment talking about how to make the best brownies.
side note. good thing you didn't come to drunk breakfast. we were judged by children.
he told me he was watching a movie and he'd be over later and i asked how long. he said 8 inches give or take. you cease to amaze me with the guys you set me up with.
Your never gonna wash that desperation outta that sweatshirt you know.
underwater hpnotiq shots? sure why not.
The trees feel like magic. Come fly to taco bell with me.
You know what it feels like? It feels like I'm in that prison from the dark knight rises. That's what being a virgin in college feels like.
Oh jesus...leave it to you to hit on not one but two guys who can't fuck you till marriage.
He made me twerk for scrambled eggs... I regret nothing
We were just sitting together and this guy walks up to us and says, "you ladies are drinking too slow", puts a 5 dollar bill on the table and just leaves the bar. Helloooo Taco Bell
Thanks for being my pregnancy scare Sherpa...
My car insurance payment showed up today, so no inflatable hot tub for now. Sorry to disappoint.
We need to borrow someone's dog. Just so we can non-creepily go to PetSmart and watch all the other dogs take photos with Santa
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