I'm at breakfast still drunk holding a blow up parrot
I don't care if he acts like a don't exist 6 days a week. On the 7th day he makes makes my vagina cry. In a good way. Jesus understands.
Dude, she introduced me to her best friend form Russia and she was a 10. Her other Russian friend was even hotter. How did communism fail?
She kept saying the tortilla understood her. I honestly don't know where she found a tortilla at the pool.
WHY DO SO MANY HOBOS THINK I'M CUTE.
Also, that dude projectile vomiting all over the living room was the perfect distraction for me to swipe the booze and run.
Dude, seduce him with cookies. You almost turned me gay with scones. Don't be surprised when they get you laid.
if any part of your body has ever entered my vagina you are fucking obligated to speak to me if i so desire
LET US USE OUR GENITALS TO CELEBRATE THIS VICTORY
I'm hiding in the bathroom at the library but there are children here I just want to drunk cry in peace
He meowed while sucking on my nipple, it got even weirder when he said he was trying to moo.
I don't drink nearly as much when I'm coupled, and that's not a lifestyle I can commit to
When she's hammered the amount of alliteration that comes out of her mouth is amazing.
I feel like with a dick like that he could of done more with it
I come home to my brother mixing skittles and vodka. We're all proud of him.
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