I just ate a cockroach and I want to be a fire truck.
Did you put 9lbs of birdseed all over my car?
You weighed it?
If he can handle my muffin top then I can handle his front teeth.
I dont know why I dont listen to you more often. He wont stop texting me. And his signature is "dancing with no panties on"
i'm wearing my white shorts to coax my period out of hiding.
He's a fan of Alicia Keys on Facebook. It doesn't NEED to say 'interested in men'.
Ran into my prostitute at Costco yesterday. She was with her boyfriend, I was with my kids. Awwwwkward.
To this day, he introduces me as "the girl I met climbing trees at 3 A.M."
I think the camel was justified in biting me.
He tried to spell out "PROM?" in his cum on my stomach during sex. It was terrible
well did you say yes?
i told myself when i was 16 i would never fuck an Alan. now i've fucked 3 and i'm punching my 16-year-old self in the face
After much deliberatipn and vodka, my favourite phrase of Christmas 2012 is "penis of last resort"
I don't know if I want context or not...
Context involves faux incest and champagne. Id go into detail but im on shot number 5.
I was originally going to go as fembot from Austin Powers
I wanted to have tiny guns for tits
He just told me my boobs made up for all the bad things that had ever happened to him. I'm definately having sex with him again.
Got any extra dick over there? I’m running low
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