You can tell a man will be prosperous by the power of his farts- A fart that can shake the room is a voice that can change the world.
pshh wine cellars. now if he has a tequila cellar whole different story
i wish we had vans that drove around at night but insteand of ice cream and jolly tunes its taco bell and the macarena
I checked for jungle juice on Weight Watchers. they didn't have it.
i'm using a wine bottle as a spitter. how classy is that.
Just spent a extra 20 minutes on the phone with the lady from unemployment talking about how to make the best brownies.
I'm calling into work with a wicked case of sledge hammer crotch. She has to understand
I just masturbated to a Jock Jams cd. What have you done today?
Our penis' have led to more networking than mark zuckerberg.
We didn't want to make a pit stop so I just helped my husband pee in a bottle. No one told me this was part of love.
the last thing I heard was you screaming as the rodeo team herded you to the next party
Porn. Physics. Porn. Icecream. Porn. That's my life now.
Well you were hungry, by then you cried and called yourself a basic bitch for eating crackers
this is a preemptive text before you call me freaking out: i have your keys and your car is parked safely a block down from your apartment.
you are a goddess
Well my summer has already been productive. I partially caused a divorce.
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