I got so drunk I pissed the bed last night. He still likes me. He's a keeper
He is a keeper. You on the other hand are not.
She took her shirt off and was broader than Dwight Howard.
my little sister told my dad she found willy wonka's golden ticket in the backseat of my car. now my dad knows my boyfriend uses magnums.
yea pretty sure we followed the trail of your spaghetti-o vomit to find the car
he aplogized for the shitty sex and called me "ma'am" when he did it. And he wants redemption sex. Gah I love southern gentlemen.
Im going to buy a thermometer. If its above 104 im going to the hospital if its under 104 im going to the bar
Every fourth of July I get sentimental when I think back to the one where we drove around baked off our asses crashing multiple cookouts listening to Team America's "America, Fuck Yea" on repeat. I miss us.
I've done nothing but whore my gay ex bf out for the past 48 hours. It's getting weird.
There are several different types of life sentences in my purse right now.
Makers Mark. Chicken nuggets in a blender. Smart
I guess I'm open to more types of dick now
And I must've sleep walked to the fridge cause when I woke up, there I was, balls deep in a fudge pop.
Please clarify that he is speaking of beer pong and not rough sex
She's one of those people who could be either 16 or 23. In which case she's too old for me or in dangerously jailbait territory for you, bro.
Idk but when you think about it the last time I did bottomless mimosas I ended up getting my nipples pierced so it might be fair
Randomize
