arkansas has a gas station called kum and go....story of my life
If Jon and Kate can get divorced...how hard can it be for me?
don't leave me alone with all the disney princess sluts
Please don't ever try giving my cat a hair cut ever ever again
Just remembered I hit myself in the face with a bottle then did the nose test and decided I was still good. Don't think anyone noticed.
Is a wave an appropriate goodbye when your one night stand wakes up and walks out towards the door while you are looking through the garbage for the evidence of a condom?
You were so proud of your stupid "magic trick" but all you did was piss on the couch. don't talk to me for a few days.
There's a ton of international students in my suite and I'm just sitting in this chair with no pants on eating frosted flakes
You were wearing a cookie monster onesie and telling everyone you were actually the sausage monster..
On the bright side I still got laid
Opened the browser on my phone to a web search for midget birth rates per capita. A good night.
Fuck you fireball...just straight up fuck out of here
I wish I could accurately explain the embarrassment of standing in your bathroom with women's nair on your ass waiting to get in the shower.
No i dont need a babysitter i have my cats. Cats can dial 911 ya know
Ignore him I am the one that wears the pants in the relationship while "the big man" cries in bed
My parents are coming to visit the 28th. How bad is it that I put a reminder in my phone to "hide sex toys"?
Randomize
