wat bout pragnant strippers??
Dude, I just woke up on the floor of some random chick's floor with puke in my hair and a posted note on my forehead that said "It's over." Dude I wasn't even aware I was in a relationship...
so i woke up in some guy's bed but then i realized i can atone for this tomorrow
kerrys trying to convince everyone in the bar shes a lesbian. cheers to not being the drunkest girl in the room. i probably wont piss myself tonight.
Just crushed a xanax into my chewing gum. Its gonna be a long, fucking up flight...
It's going to be great. They guy at the store said 3 shots and you won't be able to feel your face or stop smiling.
Yes, you did come over last night. You also tried to give my dog a blowjob. You got rejected.
Manscaping on you would be like trying to clean up the oil spill with a dixie cup.
We get an extra hour of sleep. That means we can take an extra shot tonight. Sound logic. Thank you daylight savings.
You went through my pantry and left one of everything in the box. One cracker. One cheesit. One piece of cereal. I really fucking hate you.
Sex is always the answer.
Especially if the question is: what have I not had this year?
When dealing with embarassing medical issues, don't you want your brother's wife to be the one fishing around up your ass?
I just want to hook up with Ed Sheeran. Why does it have to be so difficult?
Woke up in my boxers on a subway with a phone number written on my arm in lipstick..Best Night EVER.
We made out in front of everyone INCLUDING his girlfriend. And no one saw. THAT DRUNK!
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