remember when you found twisted pleasure condoms in my parents bathroom? theyre gone.
doing lines of blow through a tampon applicator in the study lounge at 7am so i can finish an italian composition that was due a week and a half ago...such a good student.
Woke up at 4:30am to my little brother shaking me. Apparently I fell asleep naked on my kitchen table waiting for the toaster to pop. 2 years of college completed and i still havent learned my drinking limit...
The freshman sure do fuck up the whataburger line at 2am
Apparently my gaydar only works on americans. Frenchie capris has two topless chicks in our kitchen making him breakfast.
There are 3 guys sitting in the elevator in lawn chairs wearing sunglasses and holding beers. the hallway rugs are stuffed in a trash can. i've never been so glad to be sober.
Ps. I feel like I may pee myself this weekend. Either drunkenly or out of excitement. Toss up
I tried to bribe him with road head and his toothbrush.
I'M ALSO PLAYING VIDEO GAMES AND THINKING ABOUT ORDERING A PJIZZA. I'M NOT SURE WHAT MY MUSTACHE WANTS.
I couldn't tell if they ere dancing or fucking but they won the costume contest
Just so you know, if I get bored tomorrow I WILL pretend to get drunk in the bathroom and crash the whole thing
Ever the responsible adult, I just realized that today is the Obamacare deadline, but I'm too high to handle insurance now.
Please don't tell me that blonde guys name is Matthew I won't be able to fuck a guy with my brothers name
Like actually I will be single and sad and lonely for ever. Cheese will be my life partner. Robot sex is my future.
I just need a fucking pair of pants. Is that too much to ask for?
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