Pete just told the whole party I'm a squirter
the guy in front of me just bought a pound of bacon, a bouquet, and a case of budlight, i want to see THAT makeup sex
So he thinks I sent him a picture of my boob last night, but it was really just a close up of my arm.
I stole an ensure out of their fridge and started chugging it. That was when Maria made me leave.
As i was blowing him Silent Night came on his iTunes. I said "it isn't christmas" and he moans "yeah it is."
Just made a PowerPoint called "Reasons Why You Should Fuck Me" at his request. The sad thing is we've had sex before...
Her boyfriend caught us fucking and said "cool you're cheating too" and left.
You live a charmed life.
i think you may have a shot to cock block in a moment. just saying.
Wake up an cock block please bc these are noises i dont ever want to hear again
Don't be embarrassed its me, I've licked your taint.
Why did you just send me a picture of your dinner?
CAUSE LOOK HOW MUCH SPAGHETTI I'M EATING
I woke up last night a kitchen floor with my shirt off and I love America written on my leg in eye liner
My nose was gushing blood and he just kept screaming "she took it like a champ" to everyone there. Plus side though, bartender felt bad for me and gave me a free drink.
When you're done railing that chick, there is still half a pizza and some ninja turtle mac and cheese down here if you want
Just had to break it to that one guy that I can't sleep w him bc he looks identical to my brother. So how's your morning?
FYI brushing your teeth & taking off your makeup does not erase the shame from the night before
Randomize
