i know we just met, but i forget your name, and i'm wondering why my penis burns?
i got kicked out of Barns and Nobles cuz i put all the bibles in the fiction section
i really wish facebook had an app for when you are looking at a chick's photo album, you could just skip to the ones where she and/or her friends are dressed like skanks
I can't be drunk. Sober yes. Drunk no. Spoonfuls
It's like eating cereal and milk but instead of cereal it's gummy bears and instead of milk it's vodka.
The last thing I want is a chocolate mold of my cock competing with my real cock for time spent in your mouth
You know it's been a while when you're having to resort to positive conditioning to get women
I slept with someone shorter than me. My vagina weeps.
You fool.
Yes. We drank 3/4 of a handle of vodka, fried and ate a 3lb package of bacon, I tackled the neighbors snowman, made snow angels in our underwear, and then fucked all night. Christmas success.
Is it really bad that my last patient offered to fuck my brains out if I gave her IV morphine...and I gave her my phone number and told her when my shift is over?
I need to go back to work. I've had so much sex since the shutdown started. last night we tried and a little flag came out saying "nothing is left in here try a week later"
you just cant say you love him and then say you want to fuck your boss
Pulled over to puke on the way to sign closing papers on the house...Good sign of responsibility.
I was eating leftover taco bell in bed at 3 in the afternoon. I can't throw any stones
Do you ever look at someone's Snapchat story and think ‘you told me you would eat my ass’?
Randomize
