I want to be a jewelry store heckler. "Hey man, is she really worth it"
I just gave the bartender my number in roman numerals. If she figures it out, she's worth a shot
Ladystoner tip: if eyes are bloodshot, lime green eyeliner makes them appear less red. its basic artt.
Lets just fuck. We'll decide if it was makeup or breakup sex after.
My friend and I just coined a new term. OBJ. The obligatory blow job. You totally know what I'm talking about.
Like if he goes down on you first, or you just don't want to bone him yet. OBJ.
I spent part of my valentines extracting candy hearts from a woman's vagina. The entire time I was thinking "this job pays for my Mercedes. This job pays for my Mercedes. This job pays for my Mercedes."
I asked him why the bed was wet and got.."well there are two options... and its not you."
I'm watching the World Cup in bed naked with john and our USA flag aviator glasses. Can you say America?
SO AWKS THEY ARE HAVING A COUPLE FIGHT AND I JUST WANT PIZZA
When's the best time to point out that all of my orgasms this year have been self-administered? Valentine's day?
I'm taking pictures of my asshole to send to my boss. This is not what I had in mind the day after thanksgiving.
See and now you're talking. I am like the fairy godmother of hook ups.
I'm glad I date someone who likes the simple things. Sex, kittens, and McDonald's.
So he apologized for peeing on my floor.. then we fucked all night.
Real classy
That 2-CB was ass.
You mean the asprin cut with pez?
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