Why on earth are you answering my texts promptly? Thought for certain you'd be caught up in some ridiculous orgy by this time.
I'm that good.
the real housewives reunion is on...i wanna see if danielle can look any more surprised than the facelift allows
i wanna see dina punch her face back to normal
is there any particular reason you took a shit in a zip lock bag and left it in my refrigerator?
I decided that just having that story under my belt and being able to tell it to my grandchildren is worth the regrets of the evening.
My dinner last night was 3000 calories of beer. Slept kneeling on the floor w/ my head on a couch
it was like a zeppelin in a condom
No amount of marijuana is enough to justify blood on my ceiling
In the 30 seconds it took me to leave the bar I let the barback motorboat me, ripped open a stranger's shirt and bit his chest, then made out with El Camino dude. No, I'm not coming out tonight.
Like do you realize his dealer came out with a gun and we laughed like it was all just fun and games...
stop sending me battleship coordinates and get back here so i can suck your dick
Sad fact: I'm doing that thing where I'm bored so I give myself Princess Leia hair and drink alcohol.
Would you like to partake in getting high as fuck with your best friend and then proceeding to cry over the shit head guys we deal with?
It took years to build this empire of casual fuckings and not carings.
Please don't call my dad a fuckpuppet, I feel like that would be awkward to explain later.
Is it weird that the girl I'm fucking just wished me luck on my date tonight?
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