dude, i look like john mccains neck right now
You stuck the head of a rubber chicken you found in her house up your ass and then started running around her living room. Naked.
I may have been to starbucks and 2 classes with balls still written on my face...
Their wedding is on my 21st birthday. I fail to see a way that this could end poorly.
All he was doing was sitting in the car, staring. We asked him what was wrong and he just turned, smiled, and said "everything has its own pair of boots"
I'm sorry, but the way we fuck, they don't make condoms strong enough not to break
My vagina bone hurts from grinding on that dude so hard.
Because you work where i will be drunk tonight I'm asking you. Is a shirt required on Halloween?
My Instagram consists mostly of drag queens and people who dress up as power rangers... I'm pretty sure I'm an unclassified category of gay
Can I come take down that wallpaper yet? I stopped seeing that dude and I need to occupy my time with something besides getting drunk at bingo night and cussing out old people. Also, i'm not sure on the legal stipulations but I might have, unintentionally, committed grand theft auto at some point.
Someone snapchat me a pic of you topless laying on the bar with Scotty pouring a bottle of tequila down your throat. IT'S NOT EVEN ELEVEN YET.
School starts next week
And here I thought that was one nut sack too many
My neighbor is burning all of her ex's things in a metal drum outside the window. Guess who's going to make a new friend?
THIS IS AN AMERICAN HORROR STORY I CAN'T FIND MY VIBRATOR ANYWHERE WHICH MEANS I LOST IT WHEN I MOVED WHICH MEANS MY POOR VIBRATOR IS OUT THERE IN THE WORLD ALL ALONE RIGHT NOW WHAT AM I GOING TO DO
If I'm gonna have a rotation of guys, I really should stop them leaving boob bruises...
Randomize