if you google earth my address you can see me getting out of my car. finally my moment of being famous
I just ran from Santa Claus in Kroger
Santa Clause just drove by me on a fire truck. Epic night begins.
so what if he's got a new girlfriend. the guy i'm fucking has an english accent. i win.
I don't know what's more sad having a rewards account at a liquor store or already racking up 273 dollar points since january
We invented "Diesel Bombs." They're supposed to be a bomb, but they come in a 20+ oz. glass and have a blackout record of 6 wins and 0 losses. Undoubtedly going to be the next Muhammed Ali of the drinking world.
I'll probably just lay on my couch bra-less sipping wine out of a straw so I don't have to lift my head.
I deserve a fucking award for best roommate. I just cleaned his room, so he can have a 3 some
Well I found out I was essentially dumped and replaced by a hipster and apparently offered a girl $95 to go out with me. In the spirit of the Olympics I will not be spending any time on the medal stand.
Can you stop being a bitch and just take some Kaluha shots with me bro?!?
And besides a nice relationship, I just really want to get laid damnit
My desire to pee is a lot higher than my need to be buzzed right now.
I also fell asleep on the side of a tree so like I hit my lowest point there but it was a good time
Not as bad as when you were sitting in the pond getting fed water
Actually we have similar relationship styles aka no relationship... it could work
I knew how high you were when you put a french fry in your mouth and said 'fuck, this tastes like meat but feels blue.'
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