why are there goldfish crackers all over my bed?
you decided you wanted to name them & keep them as pets.
He's sitting on the floor holding his bracket and crying, literally crying... he just keeps saying "Kansas how could you?" over and over
I'd say this is worse than that time when I realized that my favorite bath toy growing up was my Mom's douche bottle.
I'm having a flashback of telling a guy that he was beautiful and graceful like a unicorn while playing shuffleboard.
I think he pocket dials me so much because I'm in his phone as 'Air Mattress'
Sorry the STD update turned into an attempt at a bootycall, but at least we both know we're clean now
I JUST FOUND AN INTERNATIONAL POLE DANCING CHAMPIONSHIP IN SPANISH
I am never going on a blind date ever again. He drank way too much and kept telling me I had a nice boob. Like.. Singular. What's the other one? The ugly twin?
When you were bringing him upstairs I told him to bring you on down to pound town. you're welcome.
Just make it a game! Like 20 questions STD style.
Summary of my night: made out with a complete stranger at a club dressed in the Geico gecko costume...
I was sitting here smiling wondering why i'm so fucking happy at work. cookie has kicked in
It's probably not a good thing when it isn't even 6:30 and I've already drank an entire bottle of wine. By myself. I'm watching Spice World and I just bought 2 Spice Girls albums off itunes.
Make that 3 Spice Girls albums.
Sorry I bailed on you yesterday. I was propositioned.
And you don't turn down margaritas and oral.
don't worry, i'll dog sit again, the barking made the sex better, its like he was cheering for us, we were just THAT good.
Randomize
